Six moms, four slots. Why, it’s Totlandia (download Book One for free for your Kindle, Kobo or Android device). Except this time with real moms and a not-so-desirable club.

One soirée (our version of a weekly team meeting), we put ourselves in the swanky shoes of the PHM&T admissions committee and fantasized that these six celeb moms-to-be were dying to be part of our elite clique… (yes, that’s how we keep our creative juices flowing – don’t judge).

It’s fun playing God — no wonder Bettina Connaught-Cross is addicted.

The boys chose too. See if you’re surprised at their picks. Oh, and don’t forget to vote at the bottom.

1. SHAKIRA

pregnant shakira

Kaamna: KEEP – This Latin-Arabic fireball adds a much needed ethnic touch to our club. Her dominating vocals will make welcome entertainment to any of our stuffy holiday parties and I am dying to see if she can belly dance her post-partum stretch marks away.

Shayan: KEEP – Her hips definitely don’t lie…

Waynn: KEEP – C’mon, it’s Shakira. We absolutely need a sultry singer in our group, because she’s best to find others who can keep us entertained. We can’t just rely on Rock Band and karaoke.

Lisa: I’m a pretty laid-back mom, so anyone who seems chill is going to get my vote. Also in her favor: I love that she does so much charity work and once took an entire history class at UCLA disguised as a boy. She also revolutionized the breast dance which I still break out to make my husband laugh. Finally, my little guy loves to dance and sing, so…KEEP! I look forward to breast dancing to Twinkle, Twinkle with you, Shakira.

Jennifer: I don’t know…the curtains don’t match the carpet which begs the question: What else is she hiding? But after going to the most trusted of sources (Wikipedia), her charity changed my tune. Not to mention the fact that she learned to belly dance by trying to flip a coin with her belly. So, KEEP. For now.

Aimee:  Ok, don’t get me wrong, I actually love Shakira! However,  she is one of those Mom’s who probably looked fantastic while giving birth not to mention postpartum… and for all of us Mom’s who struggle just to brush our teeth in the morning and put on our “yoga” pants,  that’s  just NOT fair!!   CUT!!

Melanie: CUT – She’s liable to break out in a belly dance at any time, and I hardly think that’s appropriate around toddlers. Or the dads in the group.

2. BUSY PHILIPPS

busy philipps pregnant

Kaamna: KEEP – Anyone who started their career as a real-life Barbie in the toy-fair circuit deserves a fair shot I say!

Shayan: KEEP – I’ll always have a soft spot for Freaks and Geeks

Waynn: KEEP – Dawson’s Creek! I have a new-found love for James Van Der Beek after his stint on the (sadly cancelled) series Don’t Trust the B in Apartment 23, so by association anyone who was on the show gets a (baby) bump.

Lisa: Hmm. I don’t know much about Busy, so I am reading her twitter feed to try to get a vibe. Pluses: Likes the puppy bowl. The recycled bag dress she made for her daughter’s school project is aces.  Negatives: complaining about the price of a parking ticket. Overall, I’ll go with KEEP.

Jennifer: Her Twitter background image contains about 20+ photos of herself which takes away any points she gets for her profile photo (which is of her and her child). Not the kind of mom I want in the group. Then I read this delicious tweet: “Which is more exciting-the Oscars or the fact that it’s taco night at my house? Store bought hard taco shells are kind of hard to beat…” A lover of store bought hard tacos? KEEP!

Aimee:  I have no idea who she is but anyone who names their kid “Birdie”  has my VOTE hands down! I’m liking her already… let’s KEEP her.

Melanie: It’s Kim Kelly! So we KEEP her! Plus she tweets out pictures of her pregnancy tests and regularly drinks bottles of wine on Cougar Town. (Plus, plus, she’s on a show called Cougar Town.) Busy has to be a lot of fun.

3. KATE MIDDLETON

kate middleton pregnant

Kaamna : KEEP – Of course she’d be way too proper and our meetings would be dominated by tea and cucumber sandwiches but she is pretty darn royal and it would be fun to see Bettina suck up to her a little. Or a lot. Maybe the Queen will host Easter lunch.

Shayan: KEEP – I’ve been looking for a fast track to viscountship for a while now.

Waynn: KEEP – It’s the Princess. We may have had our differences in the past, but we’re just as obsessed with British royalty. No way Kate gets cut this early.

Lisa: I don’t know much about Duchess Catherine, but I think she’s pretty low-risk for a mom’s group: She can’t be too insane (bad press), and best case is that she loves having a place to relax. Plus, have you ever heard “Parker” in a British accent? Too cute. My little guy will lurv her. KEEP.

Jennifer: What’s not to love about Kate? Added bonus: brother-in-law Harry’s swimming pool shenanigans will give Brady a run for his money. Definite KEEP.

Aimee:  Yikes! We are going to have to be on our behavior and that might be close to impossible with this group, but axing the Duchess is out of the question. KEEP.

Melanie: She has Prince Harry’s phone number. KEEP.

4. KIM KARDASHIAN

kim kardashian pregnant

Kaamna: CUT – I am still trying to figure out why Kim Kardashian is famous. Aside from her marketing genius (which, in truth can be outsourced and probably has) I see no other redeeming qualities here. Sad not to be able to chat up Kanye at the Valentine’s do though.

Shayan: CUT – Even though ‘Ye has done everything from making Taylor Swift cry to helping the French president get elected, Kim hasn’t lived up to the reputation of her “Baby Daddy”

Waynn: KEEP – Whatever your thoughts about her, she’s managed to stay in the public eye for way longer than anyone thought she would. Her access to designer clothing and front row seats at fashion shows has to come in handy for the club.

Lisa: My heart says KEEP but my brain says CUT. I can’t really explain it…I want to believe she is sweet and lovely and smart, but I have this feeling of heightened drama that I really want to avoid. CUT

Jennifer: CUT. Cut Waynn too while we’re at it.

Aimee: That’s 2 Kardashians too many in my book… so bye bye Kim and baby “Kimye”!! CUT.

Melanie: CUT. Do we need to list reasons at this point?

5. MALIN AKERMAN

malin akerman pregnant

Kaamna: Cut – I don’t care how hormone-crazy you are, you DO NOT shop for baby stuff at IKEA. Plus that pregnancy glow is so déclassé.

Shayan: Keep – Maybe that IKEA crib will put her baby in unnecessary danger, but I love a girl who enjoys the pleasures of Bed Bath & Beyond.

Waynn: Cut – Wait, who? Oh, that’s right, the girl in 27 Dresses! It’s not enough to be an actress — I’m sure she’s nice enough, but you have to have a reason to be included. Competition is fierce!

Lisa: Dearest Kaamna: SHE’S FROM SWEDEN. Telling her not to shop at IKEA would be like me telling you to skip Diwali. Plus, she loves chocolate and was a geek in high school. A big huge KEEP. Don’t ever let them take your glow, girl!

Jennifer: I didn’t know who she was prior to this. I spent 5 minutes reading up on her. Time which I will never get back. Plus she says her parents are “supportive, positive influences.” We don’t need this kind of dysfunction in the group. CUT.

AimeeRock of Ages was awesome AND she made out with Tom Cruise! Ok, sure Tom Cruise is past his prime and no longer resembles his TOP GUN days… but either way she’s a KEEPER in my book!

Melanie: Somehow, she’s managed to be in about thirty things I’ve never seen. But she looks nice and grew up in Canada, so let’s KEEP her!

Kaamna: So not the same as Diwali…

6. HOLLY MADISON

holly madison pregnant

Kaamna: KEEP – Now here’s a girl who has done something with her time. Model, showgirl, TV personality, Hefner’s ex, Holly could apply her infinite charisma and resources to up-leveling the Moms and Tots’ game. X’mas at the Playboy Mansion anyone?

Shayan: CUT – I still want my money back after seeing Peepshow. It wasn’t horrible…just not what I was expecting…

Waynn: CUT – She was a reality TV show star, but that’s not going to be enough to keep her in this competition. Living in the Mansion is its own bubble, and she needs some more real reality before being able to hold her own against the other moms.

Lisa: I’ve always had a certain respect for women who worked at Hooters to pay their way through college, so I always wanted to believe there was more to Holly than what meets the eye. Plus, I’m an animal lover, so her PETA ads and bevy of animals are a plus. But when I watched an episode of Holly’s World while sitting in a dentist chair a few year ago, the only impressions I got were too much pink, high maintenance, and has really annoying friends. So as much as I want to believe there’s more, I’d rather gamble on Busy – CUT.

Jennifer:
1. Her real name is Hollin Sue Cullin. Hollin Cullin. Seriously?
2. She went from an A cup to a D? That’s like unleashing a kid in a candy store and THEN letting her go swim in a pool of high fructose corn syrup.
3. CUT.

Aimee: Ahhhh, what the heck,  Moms and Tot’s games at the Playboy Mansion… could be interesting.  KEEP!

Melanie: Lisa makes a good argument about her pet advocacy. But she just had a little girl and named her Rainbow. Fun fact! My given middle name is Sunshine and so I can categorically decree that anyone who names their daughter Rainbow shouldn’t be invited to our parties. Cute, girly-noun words are not names, people! CUT!